If It Kills Me
by lloydbanks
Summary: Allan/Kate. Set after 'Something Worth Fighting For', AU: Allan lived, everything else is cannon. Future chapters to contain Much/Eve, Will/Djaq. Picks up in the outlaws camp a few weeks after the battle. M for future chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Kate hadn't been looking long before she found him. Allan A Dale had been gone for hours with no explanation of where he was going, a dangerous thing to do so soon after the death of Robin Hood. He had spent most of his time alone in the few weeks following the battle. She found him now, dripping with sweat and hacking an unsuspecting tree to bits with his swords, cursing with each blow.

"Fucking… worthless piece of… useless… mother of… FUUUUCK."

"I should wash your mouth out, but then I think the rest of your body may be jealous of the clean."

He was panting, hard and she could see he was close to exhaustion. "What are you doin' here? Shouldn't you be helping Much with dinner? My arse is snappin' at the grass I'm so hungry."

"Yea well maybe if you'd do a little less chopping and a little more hunting, you'd be fed. What are you doing anyway?" He slumped down next to the tree and took his shirt off, exposing the wound on his shoulder.

"Look, I've got to learn how to fight through the pain in my shoulder. It's too bad to ignore it, I've got to endure it." He started stripping the bloodied dressing from its place to reveal the painful looking arrow wound he received during the battle.

"You can't do that by yourself, let me help you." Kate went over to him and took a seat facing the nasty wound. "You should've stayed tied up, you'dve been fine now." She washed the wound with fresh water from her canteen and began redressing it, trying painfully hard not to stare at his extremely muscular chest.

"Right, that would've been perfect, eh? Let everyone think I was passing on information to Isabella. I don't think so." He winced lightly as she smacked his arm just below the bandage line.

"At least you'd be in one piece then you stupid man!" She continued wrapping his shoulder while she thought back to his tree antics. "How is it you can fight with two swords, not even Robin could do that."

He looked up to meet her curious gaze, "Impossible, right? That I could do something that not even the mythical Robin Hood could do." He chuckled half-heartedly with spite until he saw a look of genuine apology on her face.

"I didn't mean it like that Allan, I was just wondering."

"Simple really, both my hands are equally as strong. I think Tuck calls me ambidextrous or something. Anyway don't feel too bad; I used to catch Robin trying to do it and all."

She looked frustrated but she was really just jealous that this was the one man who's sword skills may have outdone her own. "I'd advise you to come get some food before it's gone." She got up and stormed off, leaving him to think about the butterflies which made their home in his stomach following her touch.

Kate didn't say a word when she returned to camp but everyone could see that she was in a very different mood than when she left.

"He said something to her, to upset her. He always does this and then good old Much has to swoop in and comfort her." Much and Tuck had just started in to their meal when Kate had come in.

"Come now Much, don't look too excited about the idea." Tuck knew Much's feelings towards Kate; everyone did, particularly now that Robin had passed. He also knew about Kate's feeling towards a certain other outlaw and wondered when she would admit those feelings to herself.

"Take a bit to eat Kate, I've made a good stew, lots of meat." Much held out his own bowl to show her before she pushed it away.

"I'm not hungry, I'll thank you to leave me alone actually." She headed towards her bunk taking a seat on it.

"Ahh Much, what've you done now?" Allan's voice broke the silence from the entrance. He walked over to the occasional resident cook, taking the bowl of stew from him.

"Here, it'll do you good." Allan passed the food to Kate and they sat side-by-side eating in silence, a fact that did not go unnoticed by a now disgruntled Much.

"Of course, she'll eat when he tells her to... I saw her first." He muttered under his breath, taking the seat opposite them on Allan's bed.

They all settled in to sleep under a blanket of stars and soon she could hear the snores that meant they had all fallen asleep. Kate looked over to where Allan was sleeping peacefully, bathed in moonlight. His bare chest again stared her straight in the face, daring her to stare back. Lord help her, she thought, if this were to be in her sights every day for the rest of her life. She got out of bed and inched closer to him, careful not to wake any of the men. Once she was close enough, she tried poking his arm in a vain attempt to wake him.

"Gerrof." Was the muffled reply she got in return. She tried a different tactic, this time shaking the arm that faced her. "Yea, alright. Haven't you ever heard it's rude to wake a sleeping man. Not that you care much I suppose." He whispered lightly.

"Not really."

He turned, with effort, to face her, "What'dya want then?"

"Allan, I had a nightmare… Rufus."

"Fine. What ever happened to special treatment, I wouldn't shove over for John if he had nightmares" The understanding in his eyes betrayed his gentle teases. He shuffled over, giving her room to fit snuggly against him. "Why didn't you go to Much anyway, he would've obliged fully, probably'dve given you the whole bed if you asked nice enough."

She laughed quietly, "You and I both know it wouldn't end there. Now look, I'm cold, could you put your arm around me for a while?"

He got up on one arm to look her in the eyes, "I'm not bein' funny, you just want a little cuddle with me eh?" She gave him a skeptical look back but didn't deny his claim. "Come on then, get snug." She molded in to him effortlessly. They lay facing each other, her top leg fit in between his and his good arm lay under her neck with his injured arm draping gently over the curve above her hip.

He closed his eyes, nowhere close to sleep in this position but more comfortable than he had felt in years. "Allan can I ask you something?"

His endless blue eyes opened slowly and one eyebrow raised, "Don't see I've got much a choice."

She smiled lightly before it left her features and was replaced by a slightly nervous air. "Why do you always sleep with trashy bar maids? I mean surely you could find a nice respectable woman to go gallivanting with." The smile was back but the nervousness didn't leave.

"Oh, look I don't know." He took a deep breath and released it slowly, deciding whether or not to tell her the truth. "They take the sting of bein' out here all the time away, don't they. And as for respectable girls, well my love, I'm afraid they'd rather hang around the legendary Robin Hood than silly old Allan A Dale."

She brought a finger up to his face and lightly traced a line from his forehead to his jaw. "I don't think you're silly Allan A Dale."

He thought seriously about this response, his eyes burning cold blue rivers into her own. "Right well, you were one of his respectable women and all. So, why Robin, why not… Much?"

Something about the look in his eyes told her that they weren't actually talking about Much anymore. "Well, Much… was a bit busy with trashy barmaids wasn't he?"

"You know, I don't think he's ever actually been with a woman before so that was a crap excuse." His stifled laughter was cut short by the tremble of her lip and the flush that made its way to her cheeks. "Ahh, what's the matter now?"

She closed her eyes and reveled in the feeling of his thumb as it traced along her cheekbone. "Do you really think I'm plain?"

It was his turn to be nervous. "Now why would I spend any amount of time in bed with a plain girl. Use your head Katie."

"I don't appreciate you calling me that. My name is Kate."

"Yea well, I quite like Katie. It suits you." Once again his thumb made the slow trail across her cheekbone. "Go on then, tell me about your dream."

She closed her eyes and once again fell into the thoughts that haunted her every nightmare. Rufus smiling over Allan's dead body, struggling against the chains and still getting nowhere, Rufus touching her like she wished only one man would. "Same thing every time really. You and I in that room, chained up, he kills you and I get a pain right above my stomach that wakes me up. I have to look over and make sure you're still there before I can think about closing my eyes again."

He looked away from her, shame taking over his body. "Every day I'm sorry I couldn't get you to safety. I gave myself one job that day: keep you safe, and I couldn't even do that properly. If he'd have… I never would've forgiven myself if he'd… anyway it doesn't matter anymore I suppose."

"Allan I don't blame you, I never did. You were all that kept me going in there, chained up. I should have told you that. What if one of us had died and I'd never told you that?" Tears began making silent tracks down her porcelain cheeks and Allan felt the dull stab right above his stomach that Kate had just described. He shifted her underneath him and bore his weight with his good arm. His lips traced the path her tears had left and soon he felt the stream stop, replaced by the movement of her hands over his arms, around his neck and in to his hair. She pulled his lips to meet hers and she released a barely audible moan as their mouths crashed together.

Her lips went in a trail to his neck and she began pulling his shirt up, fingers burning pleasure in to his skin with every move. "Wait, wait… we can't do this Katie. Not right now." She fell back on to his pillow, flustered and confused. "The men… Much. We can't risk them waking to that can we?"

She shoved him off from on top of her, "I just got carried away that's all. Scared from the dream. Goodnight Allan." She rose from his bed and walked the few steps to her own, lying with her back towards him. "_AND WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT NAME?_" She half whispered, half shouted through the darkness.

"Night then… Kate." He slumped back down into his bed, suddenly very cold and very far from sleep.


	2. Battlefield

Kate didn't sleep well that night, or the next. A week had passed since the warmth of his bed and the burn of his lips and still she could not find peace. It was beginning to drive her mad, every time she closed her eyes she saw only Allan: his eyes, his mouth, his chest, his arms. His hands were what she was focused on at the moment. They were strong and sure, built for a life of labour and sculpted for the life of an outlaw. He was making arrows and had unintentionally cut his finger. She watched, hypnotized, as he brought the bloodied finger up to his tongue and in to his mouth. He looked up and caught her eye, dropping his hand and licking his lips quickly before she had the will power to look away.

Much to the obvious delight of _some_ other camp members, Allan and Kate had not spoken since he kissed her. He thought that maybe he had misunderstood her, and maybe she _had_ just gotten carried away. She had, after all chosen Robin in the first place, what made him think she could have changed? John, Kate, Much and Archer went to do deliveries late in the afternoon. They had hoped for an easier life once the sheriff was dead; Much could have his Bonchurch, Kate and John could go back to their families, Archer would take up his post at Locksley Manor, Tuck could go back to the church and Allan… well he'd find something. But inevitably, Prince John had installed a new sheriff to Nottingham who currently took up residence in Robin's old home until the castle was rebuilt and things were much like they had been before. Tuck and Allan sat sharpening blades, making arrows and crafting new bows.

Tuck had noticed the tension between Kate and Allan and he had found himself surprisingly disturbed by Allan's quiet distance in the past week. "What troubles you my friend?"

Allan looked up at him, before resuming his work and thinking about how to answer the question with the multiple distractions running through his mind. "Dunno really, I suppose I always get a bit like this when we do weapons." Tuck responded with a questioning look, urging him to go on. "Well, Will and I always used to take care of the weapons, together. "

"Oh yes, Will Scarlett, the man who stayed in the Holy Land. He was skilled at crafting weapons?"

"Skilled at crafting weapons? I'm not bein' funny, he was the best there was. No one to match him in Nottingham, all of England probably."

"You two developed a strong bond?" Tuck had resumed his work but was still listening intently to Allan's words.

"He was my best mate. Is my best mate actually, just wish he was still here." Another kind of sadness radiated off of Allan now and Tuck wondered briefly if he had only made matters worse.

"Why is that, you are in need of him now?"

"When we were lads, my dad always used to say, he'd say 'Boys, if you can find a friend who'll stand beside you no matter what he thinks of what you're doing, that's the kind of friend worth staying beside.' I just wish I could talk to him, he'd tell me what to do."

"To do about what Allan?"

Just as Allan was about to open his mouth to speak again, the rest of the outlaws walked in to camp. He quickly dropped his head and went back to his work, only pausing briefly when Kate walked passed him. In an action not overlooked by Tuck, he closed his eyes and breathed her in, the smell of rain and grass and lilies, for a moment he almost felt her hands on his skin again. He would have to find a way to quit her before he went mad.

That moment ended as quickly as it had came when Much kicked his leg to rouse him from his peace. "Oy, no time to sleep, you've got to go scouting. Looks like this rain might get worse and all so take a hat or something."

Allan didn't say another word, just picked up his bow and sword and began walking out into the light rain of the early evening. When he was almost out of camp he heard Tuck's voice from behind him, "Kate, why don't you go with him, I believe it's also your turn." Allan heard her mumble some response and grab her sword and shawl, he didn't wait for her to catch up, and instead continued walking.

"Allan will you hang on a minute?" She was panting by the time she reached him. "In case you haven't noticed, not everyone is a lanky mongloid who can walk a mile in four steps."

They had been scouting for a while, finding nothing of interest and he could tell how tired she was. He looked down to meet her eyes, his face the picture of something she had never seen on him before, something she couldn't exactly place, hurt maybe. "Sorry." The rain had picked up considerably and so the two of them decided to make their way over to the cave that Marian had died and come back to life in.

The rain had become so loud that she had to yell to be heard. "Allan, I should tell you, I don't like the dark." She was not afraid of much but she began to get anxious as they approached the cave.

"Fine, you can stay out here with the lightning then, yeah?"

"You are a royal ass Allan, you know one day I'll find out what you're afraid of and parade you around in it like it's nothing."

Unfortunately, she had already paraded him around in the things he was afraid of when she had chosen Robin. He took a deep breath and closed the few steps between them so he didn't have to yell so much, "I'm sorry I didn't mean it, come on I'll be right here." He held his hand out for her, the same strong, skilled hand which she had been so quick to fawn over mere hours ago. She slipped her hand into his and was surprised by how instantly she was comforted by its power and warmth. They walked into the cave together and as the darkness overtook them, she grew closer to him, not only from her irrational fear but also to share in the warmth he carried despite his soaked through clothes.

They stood still, facing each other for a few moments, while he adjusted his eyes to the light and regained his bearings. She never let go of his hand, moving closer to him and listening to the sound of his breathing. He felt her begin to shiver in the large cave and pulled her in to his chest. Much to his surprise, she did not object. Instead, she rested her head gently under his chin and moved her arm around his waist. It was the first gesture of intimacy they had shown each other since they had been in bed together and it made Allan nervous for the night ahead. "We're gonna have to stay here tonight. The rain won't let up anytime soon and we can't really go nosyin about in the woods at night. I think we left some furs and blankets in here, just in case. And we can make a fire and all."

The tension between them was pliable as she looked up into his eyes, finally adjusting to the lack of light in the large cave. His hand rested on her cheek and his heart was somewhere in his throat. Her gaze went from his eyes, to his bottom lip while he pulled it between his teeth, to his throat where she could see his pulse beating quickly and back to his lips. She went onto her toes, craving the taste of him again and just as he tilted his head down to meet her, the bats decided to make an appearance, flying around and settling in the far corner of the darkness. Startled, Kate dropped back down and let out a small scream, once again holding on to Allan for dear life. He let out the breath he had been holding, keeping his eyes closed. Their hands gripped each other tighter, hers from fear, his for comfort. "Just the bats, they won't bother us. Come on, let's get the fire started."

Once he had built the fire and set out the furs and blankets for them, Kate watched as he peeled his soaked shirt off, laying it on a rock to dry off. "Allan would you say something please? This silence business is beginning to be annoying."

He turned from her to set up some extra firewood and she was greeted by the sight of his muscular back, bathed in the light of the fire. She felt a twinge of pain for him seeing the scars left over from his torture. "What d'you wanna hear?"

He took off his shoes and went to sit beside her, she watched him settle in farther away than she would have liked. "Tell me about when you were younger."

Taken off guard, he looked at her to find her staring back at him, ready to listen intently, the glow from the fire making her look impossibly lovely, like something out of a fairytale. "Not much to know really. I grew up in Rochdale, my mum died when I was young; don't really remember her. My dad was the town blacksmith, I left when he died, made my own way after that." It was as if a light had suddenly been turned on to him and Kate felt like she was finally beginning understand who Allan really was. The sarcasm, the women, the lying… it was the only way he knew how to be.

"You were alone?" She had never known that the life Allan had led could have been so difficult.

"I had a brother, but… that didn't end so well." Kate's mind fixated on the memory of her own brother and she absolutely felt the pain in Allan's words.

She shifted closer to him resting her head on his shoulder, feeling the softness of his skin under her cheek. She felt the sharp pain in her chest grow stronger for his loss. "What was his name?"

"Tom. He was… less than perfect. Worse than me anyway, used to lie and steal from me, even stole from the lads after we took him in. He'd been telling everybody he was one of Robin Hood's men which made it all the better for the Sheriff when… well, when he hanged." She remembered that, the day the Sheriff hanged Robin Hood's men. Kate heard the pain in his voice and looked up to see tears run down his cheeks, it was the first time she had ever seen him cry.

She shifted so that she was kneeling in between his legs. "Oh Allan, I'm so sorry. All those times I talked about Mathew, why didn't you say anything?"

He looked away from her, trying to focus on other things and failing miserably as the tears continued their trail. "Hurts too much, I suppose. Just wanna forget."

She leaned in to him, understanding completely and desperate to stop his pain. "Close your eyes." He did what she asked and his hands unconsciously slid up her sides, resting on the curve above her hips. She kissed his eyes and the trail of tears along his cheeks. Her lips came just inches from his and she whispered against his mouth, "I'm so sorry Allan." And just like that they were together again. He could taste the tears on her lips and it fueled his actions. He held on to her and twisted her so that she was lying down on the fur that covered the rock ground of the cave.

His lips left hers for a moment and he took that time to look down to the woman who lay underneath him. Her hands rested on his forearms as he fixated on the movement of her chest. She licked her lips slowly, successfully bringing his attention back to her mouth. One of her hands moved up behind his neck and pulled him back down to her again. He lost his control as soon as their tongues intertwined, his head was spinning and his whole world suddenly felt like it had been turned upside down. His lips moved to her throat and continued down, he bit into her collarbone and she arched against him, moaning into his ear. He broke away from her for a minute, afraid to continue for risk of losing his mind. "Is this what you want Kate? Once it's done, that's it; no going back." His chest was heaving from the deep breaths he was taking.

Her fingers traced the frighteningly large scars on his chest as her mind raced over the events that had transpired since she first met the man with the eyes like rain and the velvet voice. She thought of the choices she had made: family or friends, outlaw or traitor… Robin or Allan. She paused on the last; trying desperately to remember why she hadn't chosen the man she really wanted and instead opted for a pathetic excuse of a relationship with both parties filling the void of someone else. She wanted to show Allan that she could be independent, she could be one of the lads and that she didn't need him to protect her all the time. Instead she ended up looking quite the fool and hurting them both in the process.

She burned a trail across his lips with her thumb and he closed his eyes to take in the feeling, afraid of what her answer might be. "Allan." He slowly opened his eyes and brought his forehead down to meet hers, "I just want you."


End file.
